Fire Blankets Do Work

I just wanted a toaster pastry.

A few days ago, I decided to add a basic toaster to my Walmart order in order to eventually add a slice of toast to the eggs I’ve been making for John for breakfast. And, as a special treat, I decided to see if there are gluten-free toaster pastries. I haven’t had a Pop-Tart in over 15 years.

The famous $10 toaster, much discussed during the 2024 election, and which JD Vance¹ shamed Americans for wanting, is now a $12 toaster, by the way. Tariffs not only impose immense economic costs but also fail to achieve their primary policy aims and foster political dysfunction along the way.

It caught on fire this morning.

Post-catastrophe $12 toaster.

Thankfully, I was standing right beside it, and it took me only a second to mentally process the actual, live, for-real flames leaping from the top of my toaster. “Heat, Air, Fuel” echoed in some limbic part of my brain, and I quickly ripped the cord out of the wall and shoved the toaster to the floor and away from my particle board and melamine kitchen cabinets.

It kept burning.

I swung open the doors below the sink and yanked the fire blanket free.

(Photo taken after the crisis was past and the blanket had been wiped free of burnt pastry and folded back into its tote bag.)

That did the trick to smother the flames, and then I was able to get the blanket the rest of the way around the smoking ruins of the toaster and get the whole thing outside onto the fireproof concrete sidewalk, where the flames reignited as fresh air blew in under the fire blanket.

I tossed the remains of the outdoor cats’ water onto the toaster, heard a satisfying hiss, and then ran back into the house for my pan of dish water to be sure it was all out the rest of the way. I don’t have a garden hose hooked up outside this time of year. One doesn’t anticipate minor kitchen appliances engulfed in flames when considering the fall clean-up tasks.

So, the fire blanket is a very good thing to have,² but you should also clearly not trust inexpensive electrical appliances in this day and age of increased manufacturing costs due to various tariff schemes. Cleary Mainstays/Walmart cut some corners in order to keep the previously-$10 toaster at no more than a $2 increase in price.

“This is why cats prefer fresh prey, and none of this cooking and toasting complexity, Lady of the House. In fact, I see some crispy, colorful birds right here outside the window. Shall I fetch one for you?” You eat your food, Whitsun, and I’ll eat mine. But thank you anyway.

1. July 30, 2024: “We believe that a million cheap knockoff toasters aren’t worth the price of a single American manufacturing job. We believe in rebuilding American factories and rebuilding the American dream.” From the site formely know as Twitter:

https://x.com/theblaze/status/1818387124984725790

Note that tariffs have not brought toaster manufacturing here to the US, but simply increased the price and impoverished the quality of the toasters that are available.

2. With the caveat about the risk of reignition if the air gets under the blanket. A fire extinguisher lets you deal with the fire from a bit farther away, too.